The last 2 weeks have been rough. Literally once you hit 4 months old it's like I have a different baby. You wake up 30-45 minutes into every nap, screaming. I go through my checklist: is it a burp? is he hungry? is it a blowout? is he teething? Once I've gone through and eliminated all of these and there's still crying, I can't help but get overwhelmed by the "world" crashing down around me. My personality thrives on organization, routine, and "having it together", which is really quite ridiculous, I know, but it's true. When you wake up at 7am, eat every 3 hours with 1.5-2 hour naps in between each feeding and then sleep 12 hours at night, I feel like I have accomplished something great (notice how I said "I"... again, ridiculous, I know). Well, these past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion for me as none of these things have been a daily norm. You cry more in 1 day than you have the past 4 months put together and it's definitely wearing me thin but it's also a huge reality check that I'm extremely thankful for. My expectation to control the situation, be on a schedule, and "have it all together" all the time is completely unrealistic and, frankly, puts you up to some very high standards that I'm just not willing to impose on you anymore. I'm also not willing to give up any confidence in myself as a parent due to senseless, unattainable goals I try to reach on a daily basis. It's not worth the stress and heartache of being disappointed in myself as a mom because you didn't nap well or were fussy all day. You are going to have off days where you just want to cry and be difficult and it's my honor as your mama to be there and help you through it without getting lost in my own fear of failing.
As humans, we're never going to "have it all together" or be able to control the situations we come across. Of course, we can do our best to make good decisions but if we had it all together and had all the answers to all of our questions, where would God fit into the picture? When we rely on ourselves and put these crazy expectations on our own abilities and the abilities of those around us it will continually lead to disappointment and the feeling of failure.
I think God intended us to have the same type of relationship with one another as we have with Him. This relationship is not built on control and disappointment due to lack of control, but on grace, mercy, unconditional love and freedom, where compliance doesn't reign but love does. I don't want to have it all together and I most certainly don't want you to feel like you have to have it all together. I want you to feel free to make mistakes and have an off day without the fear of disappointing yourself or anyone around you. You are free, Cruz, and my prayer for you is that you will never be burdened by the fear of failing or disappointment but experience the freedom God has given you through your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ... the freedom to stumble and fall and not "have it all together" and still know with complete confidence and faith that you are constantly forgiven and always unconditionally loved...
"..where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty." 2 Cor 3:17
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