Dear Cruz,

I felt like this was too amazing not to share with you. It's a quote from Graham Cooke:

"Everything that God is doing in our lives is intentionally relational. To walk with Him, therefore, we must also be intentionally relational- with Him and with others. God, in His wisdom, allows what He could easily prevent by His power. In everything, He is constant and in charge: sometimes He leads us into situations that are brilliant, and other times, He leads us into things that are difficult. But God's commitment to us never wavers. Every situation in life is about God wanting to give Himself to us. Right now, our lives could be good, bad, or ugly, but we can be joyful knowing that God has designed our current circumstances to enable us to see a part of Him that we couldn't see at any other time.... We must see what Jesus wants to be for us in every situation."

We have all experienced and will experience difficult circumstances. God doesn't put us there to make us suffer. He is calling us higher to, instead of asking the "why me" question, turn to Jesus and see what He wants to be for us in that situation. He'll meet you right where you are and He'll lift you out, bring you joy, bring you peace, and deliver you from your hurt if you ask Him. My prayer for you is you wouldn't focus on your circumstances but you'd focus on your relationships, both with God and the people around you... that you wouldn't be defined by your circumstances but defined by your relationship with Christ and those around you. Focus on who Jesus wants to be for you right where you are and rejoice that He is constantly wanting to reveal more of Himself to you in every situation you encounter! Love you, Bubba!

Dear Cruz,

These last few weeks have been some of the roughest for both of us. We've both been sick, you cut 2 more teeth with a 3rd close behind, and you're also going through a very intense "clingy" stage. You don't really take your usual 2 hour naps, but instead wake up after 30 minutes and wait a few minutes before screaming and won't stop until I come get you. You cry (and I mean CRY) anytime I'm not on the ground playing with you and even then sometimes aren't happy. This is not your normal temperament but it's so hard to stay encouraged since it's been over 3 weeks since this started. So, there's my few lines of venting before I get to the good news:).

It's our human nature to try and do things on our own, figure things out on our own, seek answers, sometimes asking for help but not really opening our hearts to hear God's answers. When we gave our lives to Christ, we gave him our hearts, our minds, our souls, our spirits, our human nature was removed, and we were given NEW LIFE. With all that comes our thought-life, how you look at people, situations, and circumstances. When we look at these alone, without Christ, our cynicism and negativity can be a central theme and pretty much overtake everything leaving us fearful, worried, and anxious.

Gamy said something to me so powerful the other day, "You either sing God's praises or the enemy's praises. The enemy's praises are things like fear, worry, anxiety, negativity. As soon as any of those enter your mind you're opening the door for the enemy's lies." This struck me so deeply because it's true. It IS that black and white. The moment you give way to negative thoughts, fear, worry, etc, you ARE singing the praises of the enemy leaving yourself vulnerable and exposed. We are called to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ". This is not in the Bible as just some verse, this is something that we, as Christians, are supposed to practice, making it a part of our every day, our every minute, our every second.

These last few weeks haven't been "easy" and I haven't made them any better by being negative and basically throwing a pity party for myself. I haven't been disciplined with my thought-life and definitely haven't been leaning, as I should, on the Lord's truth and word. But, I know, the Lord works in wonderful ways and Gamy's words and a Graham Cooke sermon shot through my heart leaving it forever changed. I never want to sing the enemy's praises and now every time I think anything negative that thought pops into my head. Amazing how the Lord works and can completely transform in a matter of seconds!

Cruz, my prayer for you is that you would practice taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, recognizing that our thoughts are a gateway to both God and the enemy. I pray that you would be wise beyond your years, putting this into practice early, with the outcome being a confident and very positive boy who loves the Lord. I pray you would be known for your positivity, a "glass half full" kind of guy, who encourages others to look at life in a positive light. I pray you would, through this gift of positivity, touch other people's lives and forever change them as just your presence has forever changed me. Cruz, I am amazed at how much the Lord uses you in my life to teach me some of his greatest lessons. I am forever thankful and eternally changed by your life. I love you, Bubba.

Dear Cruz,

Who me???

So, I have to admit being a stay-at-home mom is really hard work. I'm now calling it work because I find it more fitting than calling it a job. At a job, you get rated on your performance, you get quarterly reviews, there are set standards and processes in place that you must follow, and the obvious one... you get paid. At a job, you may or may not be excited and passionate about what you're doing but there's no choice because you have to pay the bills. At a job, you're constantly worried about how others perceive you. Are you smart enough? Do you work hard enough? Are you really going to make the cut? There's an immense amount of pressure and most of the time other people can dictate how you feel, act, and think about yourself on a day to day basis.

Lately, I have been attributing most of these things to being a stay-at-home mom. Am I doing enough during the day? Do I have enough activities planned during the week? Is the house spotless? Are the meals I cook good enough? What are other people going to think of me if these things don't line up with their expectations? Am I lazy if I don't have things on my schedule every hour of every day? Etc, etc. It gets pretty overwhelming when you put other people's imaginary expectations on your performance as a mom and wife. It's almost unmanageable and there's so much of me that's not present with you when I'm thinking about all the things I might not be doing well enough. It's not fair to you or to me to be continually looking to other people for acceptance and validation.

Why is it that we look for validation from anyone other than God? I think it's hard not to get caught up in a competitive mindset, constantly comparing ourselves to others, but it's crucial that we start looking up and hearing what God has to say about us. How much better can we do our work, our jobs, our hobbies, our passions... how much better can we live our lives in general if we're living from the place that God has intended us to live... living from the place of our affirmed identity in Christ?? I find it extremely important to remind myself each day of who I am in Christ. I also find it extremely important to start asking questions like, who does God say I am? Rather than asking questions like, am I good enough? I know I'm good enough to God. He has justified me and redeemed me in Christ and I am loved beyond comprehension. We all are.

Cruz, I pray that you can remind yourself each day to live from your affirmed identity in Christ, looking UP for validation and no where else. I pray that you will know with all of your being that there's nothing you can do to earn God's acceptance, his love, or his grace because you were already redeemed and justified when Jesus died on the cross for you. He thinks you're good enough. He thinks you're smart enough. He knows you're going to make the cut. How amazing it is to know that our God thinks more highly of us than we {or anyone else} could ever think of ourselves...

-I am a child of God (John 1:12)

-I am a branch of the True Vine (John 15:1)

-I am a friend of Jesus (John 15:15)

-I have been justified freely and redeemed in Christ (Romans 3:24)

-I have been crucified with Christ and am no longer a slave to sin (Romans 6:6)

-I will not be condemned by God because of what Christ has done for me (Romans 8:1)

-I have been set free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2)

-As a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ (Romans 8:17)

-I am accepted by Christ (Romans 15:7)

-In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption (1 Cor 1:30)

-The Holy Spirit dwells in me (1 Cor 6:19)

-I have boldness and confident access to God through faith in Christ (Eph 3:12)

-Because of God's mercy and love, I am made alive with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)

-I am a citizen of Heaven (Phil 3:20)

-The peace of God guards my heart and mind (Phil 4:7)

-God supplies all my needs (Phil 4:19)

-God loves me and has chosen me (1 Thess 1:4)

(affirmation source here)

Dear Cruz,

As your mama, my mind is filled with all things baby. It's hard to focus on much other than my milk supply, your naps, what we should do during your waketime, and what solid food I'm going to introduce next. At the same time, when something isn't going well, it's hard for me to focus on anything else but the problem itself. This week we are weaning you off the miracle blanket (yes, you still like to be swaddled at 6 months old!). Do I do it cold turkey or slowly wean you off of it? How long are you going to cry each time I lay you down? How many days is this going to last? Etc, etc. You get the picture. I get buried in all the negative things that could happen and overwhelmed by the fact that I have no clue how long it's going to be until things are back to normal. My thoughts and emotions take over and my spirit can't push through the thick walls they've built over the years. They've set up shop inside of me because I have left them untrained and undisciplined. This, I feel, is where God's plan includes an intense growth and transformation of faith...

(2 Cor 10:5) "We are destroying speculations and every ^(A)lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the ^(B)obedience of Christ."

We, through Jesus Christ, have the ability to hold our thoughts and emotions captive, standing them up against God's Word and truth instead of our own. In every situation, He gives us the power to choose spirit led emotions and thoughts. When we let the negative creep in, we have the choice to say, "Nope, I'm not buying into that. Instead, I am going to focus on patience, giving grace and mercy, and showing a lot of love. Today, I choose to focus on God's truth".

As for me, my natural reaction to stressful situations is to be impatient and pessimistic. However, that is not how God sees me or the place I want to live from by any means. In Christ, I have been made new to practice things like patience, grace and mercy, love, understanding, etc. If I live from the place God has made, I have access to His divine peace, understanding, grace, mercy, and love (and so much more). It is uncomfortable to suppress the thoughts and emotions that have run the show for so long but once we choose truth and choose to live from the place God has intended us to live, I can't imagine we'd want to turn back. How could we choose to run from the peace that comes along with a spirit led life?

Cruz, my prayer for you is that you would conquer every part of your human nature {your thoughts, your emotions, your own will} and submit them to God. Submit them to Him so you can be who you were meant to be in Christ Jesus... filled with the peace of God no matter how stressful or uncomfortable the situation might be. I pray you can look at everything and choose to say, Hallelujah, rejoice and just praise God for His goodness in your life.

I love you to the moon and back, Cruzer.

Dear Cruz,

The last 2 weeks have been rough. Literally once you hit 4 months old it's like I have a different baby. You wake up 30-45 minutes into every nap, screaming. I go through my checklist: is it a burp? is he hungry? is it a blowout? is he teething? Once I've gone through and eliminated all of these and there's still crying, I can't help but get overwhelmed by the "world" crashing down around me. My personality thrives on organization, routine, and "having it together", which is really quite ridiculous, I know, but it's true. When you wake up at 7am, eat every 3 hours with 1.5-2 hour naps in between each feeding and then sleep 12 hours at night, I feel like I have accomplished something great (notice how I said "I"... again, ridiculous, I know). Well, these past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion for me as none of these things have been a daily norm. You cry more in 1 day than you have the past 4 months put together and it's definitely wearing me thin but it's also a huge reality check that I'm extremely thankful for. My expectation to control the situation, be on a schedule, and "have it all together" all the time is completely unrealistic and, frankly, puts you up to some very high standards that I'm just not willing to impose on you anymore. I'm also not willing to give up any confidence in myself as a parent due to senseless, unattainable goals I try to reach on a daily basis. It's not worth the stress and heartache of being disappointed in myself as a mom because you didn't nap well or were fussy all day. You are going to have off days where you just want to cry and be difficult and it's my honor as your mama to be there and help you through it without getting lost in my own fear of failing.

As humans, we're never going to "have it all together" or be able to control the situations we come across. Of course, we can do our best to make good decisions but if we had it all together and had all the answers to all of our questions, where would God fit into the picture? When we rely on ourselves and put these crazy expectations on our own abilities and the abilities of those around us it will continually lead to disappointment and the feeling of failure.

I think God intended us to have the same type of relationship with one another as we have with Him. This relationship is not built on control and disappointment due to lack of control, but on grace, mercy, unconditional love and freedom, where compliance doesn't reign but love does. I don't want to have it all together and I most certainly don't want you to feel like you have to have it all together. I want you to feel free to make mistakes and have an off day without the fear of disappointing yourself or anyone around you. You are free, Cruz, and my prayer for you is that you will never be burdened by the fear of failing or disappointment but experience the freedom God has given you through your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ... the freedom to stumble and fall and not "have it all together" and still know with complete confidence and faith that you are constantly forgiven and always unconditionally loved...

"..where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty." 2 Cor 3:17

Dear Cruz,

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

Maybe every mama thinks her baby is joyful and happy and wonderful, but I can't seem to say it enough and I don't think I'm entirely delusional either. Not that I'm negative Nancy or anything, but I do have a hard time seeing the light in certain circumstances. My default is to be "realistic", which is negative a lot of the time because it overwhelms the ability for optimism and hope to shine through. God has been speaking to me a lot through your spirit. Day in and day out, I see how you rejoice in the little things and it makes my heart yearn to feel that joy. You wake up in the morning doing your high pitched happy scream and cracking yourself up. Even if you're starving or have a wet/dirty diaper you're still joyful, it seems, just to be alive. I want to wake up in the morning excited just to be alive. I want to be joyful because I am saved and am able to live this life with Christ. I want to face suffering, persevere, and rejoice because I have faith that I can lay my burdens down at His feet and He will restore, renew, and heal the broken places in my heart. Thank you for continuously reminding me to choose joy:) "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I know you're not always going to be in the "happy baby" stage because the circumstances of life will get tougher and tougher as you get to be more independent. Even still, I pray that your spirit would continue to be a testimony of joy to all who know you and you would touch people's spirits as you've touched your mama's...

Love you, Cruzer.

Dear Cruz,

I am so in love. I am not only in love with you and your daddy (and Zeke, I guess:) but I'm falling even more in love with God through this incredible blessing of motherhood. Of course there are times of breakdown, impatience, and the occasional urge to scream, but God is teaching me so much through you that I can hardly stay mad if I tried. Lately, He has taught me a little about patience, something that, unfortunately, does not come natural to me.

Today, I was thinking about how incredible it is that God created you knowing how to get your mama's attention-screaming at the top of your lungs (in our case, luckily, it's a tiny little cry:)... Crying out when you're in need, you're in pain, you want something you can't have, you got something you didn't want, or crying just to cry it out. You had no experience coming out of the womb but the first thing you did was cry. You were crying out of faith, which is such a fascinating concept to me...Faith that someone would hear you and your needs would be met - you would be comforted, cared for, fed, burped, bathed, and loved, and you would get what you needed immediately or that crying wouldn't stop:).

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness." 2 Pet 3:9

You and I were driving home from Orange County one day when you started crying and, unfortunately for me, it was a hunger cry. I remember saying, "Hold on, Cruzer, be patient. We'll be home in a few minutes". As I spoke those words out loud to you it seemed like God yelled them back at me... "Be patient". Here I am asking a tiny, helpless newborn to "be patient", when, quite often, I scream out to God expecting Him to answer me instantly in the manner in which I want Him to answer. I am hardly ever patient with God when I ask for something I need or want. I pray and I expect Him to react immediately with the results that I think are best for my life, without giving heed to the fact that He is my biggest advocate and always has my best interest in mind. I get so caught up in what I want for my life that I sometimes forget what I really want, which is to walk with God and pursue His will for my life. When we let God take over we are filled with a divine peace and a divine patience we can only achieve when we surrender to our circumstances, drop the reigns, hold up our hands, and admit that we can't do it on our own. He is in control and we should like it that way! I think God is calling us, not to stop screaming out to Him, but to scream out in faith and wait patiently for His perfect timing.

Cruz, I hope you can continue to cry out in faith knowing that your Father will always hear your needs, your wants, and your heart's desires. And I hope that you can wait patiently and confidently for all of your hopes to be fulfilled through His purpose for your life.

I love you, Bubba!

Dear Cruz,

In 7 weeks you’ve taught me how to do a lot of things. I’ve learned how to operate on little to no sleep, learned how to swaddle with a miracle blanket in seconds, learned how to treat cradle cap, how to breastfeed sitting down, lying on the bed, standing up, in the wee hours of the morning and late at night. I’ve learned that pumping is disturbingly close to milking a cow and, frankly, makes me feel like one. I’ve learned motherhood would be much easier with a 3^rd arm, possibly a 4^th. I’ve learned it’s more painful for me when you get your shots. I’ve learned it’s also more painful for me when you’re hungry, wet, or sleepy because I can’t stand to see you sad. I’ve learned how to let go of my obsession of being early or on time because those days are long gone. I’ve learned that children are the greatest gift God can give and I’ve also learned that the responsibility, work, and selflessness it takes to be your mama couldn’t be more worth it. But, as if that’s not enough to learn from a 7 week old, God has used you to teach me something even greater…

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3)

It had been a long day. You didn’t sleep the night before, ate ALL day long and hardly took a nap. It was around 7pm when I started rocking you to sleep. You were in your little burrito swaddle, sucking on your paci, and, to my dismay, wide-awake. I was exhausted. You were exhausted too but not budging. In the midst of what I thought was chaos, I looked down at your little face and realized something that you were better at than me, something that you possibly had more experience with in your short life of 7 weeks. Faith.

I was holding you above a hard, tile floor, a possible danger to such a delicate little guy, and there wasn’t an ounce of fear in your body. You didn’t even think twice about the possibility of me dropping you but just laid in my arms, completely content and comforted just by my presence. I thought back to every time you cried out to me. I knew exactly what you needed, whether it be a full belly, a burp, a dry diaper or a nap. But the more fascinating part is that you knew without a doubt that you were going to be comforted, taken care of and loved when you cried out to me. I’m sure some would say it’s because you don’t know any better but I know God meant it when he said we need to be like little children. The faith and trust of a child is so pure, innocent, almost oblivious but in the most beautiful way.

It’s amazing to me that God used such an everyday circumstance to show me not only what kind of faith I am called to have but also a tiny glimpse of His love for us. Just when you thought no one could love someone more than you love your child, you realize God’s love surpasses it tenfold. It is selfless and unconditional. It is greater than all things and conquers all things. It gives freedom to the captives and everlasting life to the believers. It forgives, it comforts the weak and needy and it turns your heart of stone into flesh. The greater thing still is His love is for everyone…. the worst sinner and the most devout believer. Thank you Lord for your love and your lessons and this incredible blessing of parenthood!